I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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