My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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