You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
wakey wakey hands off snakey
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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