New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize