Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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