i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
