Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
