dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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