im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
