life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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