I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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