It was confusing and full of hummus
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
