btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
