I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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