Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
