Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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