haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I am puke
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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