Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
