I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
