he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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