I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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