I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
