I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
