call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
