i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
