I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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