How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
