Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
