I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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