Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Randomize
