she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
