Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
