I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
