I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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