While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
