i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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