I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
