I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You need Xanax blowdarts
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
