You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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