just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
