i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
