We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
