new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
one might say we're banned from that church
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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