hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
