How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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