My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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