i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
