guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Two words: nipple clamps
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