And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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