ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
