When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
