Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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