We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What a dumb baby whore.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dicks are not precious.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
