I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize