Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
