so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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