Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
