Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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