u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
