I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
