Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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