Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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