I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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